Oh No! My TV Malfunctioned and Now I'm a Ninja!
by FujikoIzu
Summary: Does this look like a serious story to you? Self-insert, parody, AU crack.
1. Error 404: Naruto!

**This, in case you hadn't noticed, is my take on the Sucked In Fic. Enjoy it and please have your brain bleach ready. This is a parody, so feel free not to take it seriously at all. I know I'm not!**

**By the way, yes, I am married in the real world. Yes, I will be writing myself into a romance. No terrible, cliche fic is complete without one! **

**Without further ado, here is the shittest and best thing you will ever read! I hope it at least gives you a laugh!**

Once, I had a normal life.

Actually, that is a complete and total lie. I have never had a normal life. This is probably because I am not a normal person. Normal people my age go camping and get drunk at festivals. I prefer to go to places where I know where my next shower is coming from. Normal people my age watch things that you can actually watch on freeview at acceptable hours. I spend way too much time watching Japanese cartoons.

Anyway, my point is this. Once, I had a normal-ish life. I went out with my friends, I wrote shit on the Internet, I spent too much money in Tokyo Toys, I occasionally failed at video games. You know. Everyday stuff. Obviously, I didn't expect anything to change. Why would it? It wasn't as if, you know, magical dimension-warping thunderstorms existed in this world.

So what happened, you ask?

God, learn to read the title, will you? I mean, seriously. I spend all of one minute thinking of an excellent and clever title and you don't even read it? How rude. I might not tell you my story now.

I lie. I'm going to anyway.

So this...this is the story of how I found out what really happens when you watch Naruto in a thunderstorm. No, before you ask, your TV doesn't blow up. That would be far too boring. No - this is the story of how I became a kunoichi and how I finally discovered the truth behind Kishimoto's story. Trust me, it's not what you think. It's not what you think at all. For one thing, it's a hell of a lot funnier. For another, it's a lot darker. For another...well, you'll have to wait and see.

Are you sitting comfortably? No? Get a cushion, then. Now, are you sitting comfortably? Good. Then I'll begin.

I was sitting in my room in front of my desk. I was sitting on a chair because I hadn't figured out how to meditate long enough to learn how to levitate like on the sims. I mean, why else would you sit on a chair? It's not like they're for sitting on or anything. As usual, I was on the computer trying to figure out what on Earth I was going to do with my life after I finished my amazing fanfiction guide of amazingness. As usual, I was having absolutely no luck in actually finding something to write about.

The only problem was, I'd kind of used up my emergency caffeine reserves.

Actually, that wasn't the only problem. You see, after writing the guide, I'd come to realise that what people wanted most of all was me to completely troll the living crap out of everything. Unfortunately, that day...let's just say that I really wasn't in the mood for trolling. Try teaching yourself probability theory from a textbook and you will see why. By probability theory, I don't mean statistics. Oh no. We're talking about the stuff that is written entirely in letters. Greek ones included. You see, this is how you know you're a real mathematician - you're looking at a page full of letters and you can't understand what any of them are actually supposed to mean.

Except pi. Pi is awesome. Nobody is ever allowed to diss pi. Ever.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was a typical British summer day, which meant that it was absolutely chucking it down. The rain was so heavy that it sounded like some idiot was firing a machine gun at my window. I was at least fairly sure that there would be a thunderstorm that day - and sure enough, a few minutes later, a giant rumble reverberated through my room indicating that one was about to start. I remember thinking that I should probably get off the computer, but for some reason, I decided against it. After all, it was very unlikely that lightning would actually hit the house and even more unlikely that it would affect the computer.

Now, it had been a very long time since I had actually watched an episode of Naruto. However, that day, I suddenly felt like I should. Perhaps it was because it was thundering and I wanted to test the fanfiction theory. Come to think of it, that was exactly it. The house was quiet, I was alone in my room and I really didn't feel like doing anything useful. It was, by all accounts, the perfect time to start an experiment.

According to the first theorem of Naruto fanfiction, if you watch episode one of Naruto during a thunderstorm, you will be transported into the Naruto world at the start of the story. According to the second theorem, if you watch episode one of Naruto Shippūden during a thunderstorm, you will be transported to the Naruto world at the start of Shippūden. Look at me, using fancy words because I'm educated and stuff. I have a degree. There are letters after my name and shit. Beat that with a flying fish!

Therefore, I thought, the point at which I enter the Naruto world must be based on which episode I watch. Assuming that is the case, I don't think I want to go for episode one. I think I'm going to go for Kakashi Gaiden!

Smiling as the flashes resonated through my room, I began to run through all of the possibilities in my mind. I could save Obito's life. I could make sure Rin never got captured. I could prevent the Juubi from being released. Anything was possible from this point. Even if I wasn't a ninja, I knew enough to have the chance of stopping Obito from going quite so insane. I could join the real Akatsuki, the Akatsuki started by Yahiko! I'd spent long enough thinking about what might be. This would be a chance to make it real.

Of course, seeing as I am not completely insane, I didn't actually believe that this was going to happen. As I clicked play on the start of the episode, I was completely convinced that nothing out of the ordinary would happen, apart from the computer possibly blowing up from an electrical surge. Of course, because I had no idea that my life was actually about to turn into the worst and most clichéd kind of Naruto fanfiction, I thought that this experiment would turn out to be nothing more than a simple failed test.

However, as you can clearly see from the title of this fanfiction, I was completely wrong. You see, what I hadn't banked on was the fact that there is a God of sorts...and that he really, really likes to troll the crap out of people like me. I should have seen the signs, should have seen her (it's a woman, by the way, we'll get to that bit later) laughing at me from the sky above. However, being a human being that didn't believe in that sort of thing at all, I passed off the sound of maniacal laughter in my ears as my imagination jumping into overdrive.

So there I was, in front of my computer, eyes glued to the screen. A quarter of the way through the episode, nothing. Halfway through the episode, nothing. Three quarters of the way through the episode, nothing. It was beginning to look like fanfiction had been lying to me the entire time. Who would have known? It's not like it was scientifically impossible or anything like that.

As the episode neared its end, however, I started to feel nauseous. The pressure in the room began to rise and the air smelt a little charred, as if it was beginning to set itself on fire around me. The screen began to flicker, its colours mixing up. The buffering sign, the little white circle of streaming doom, was positioned distortedly in the middle of the screen. This was it, the scene that had been described to me to many times it made my eyes ache to read it again. This time, I was in it. For reals.

Oh shit, I thought. I should really get my towel ready...looks like it's about to go down!

Unfortunately, I didn't have a towel on hand, so I grabbed the next best thing - my blanket. It was quite terrifying, all this white noise and pressure building up around me, but I didn't scream. I'd read enough fanfiction to know where this was going and I wasn't scared. My body, however, felt like it was being slowly ripped apart. Taking a deep breath as the white noise reached unbearable levels, I closed my eyes and pulled my blanket over my head. Soon, I would be in the Naruto world...and soon, I would be undoubtedly regretting the decision to watch an episode of Naruto in a thunderstorm.

As the rumbling stopped and the screeching in my ears began to subside, I tucked myself into a little ball and took deep breaths to calm myself down. I began to make plans of what I would do when I reached the Naruto world and started to wonder what might happen to me while I was there. Would it be just as the fanfictions said? Would I suddenly find out that I was a long lost member of the Uchiha clan? Would I magically awaken the powers of the previously unknown 12-Tails, the Kawaii Kawaii Neko? Would my eyes start changing colour when I cried? This was all too exciting, so exciting that I was practically having to hold my feet down to keep myself from bursting out of my blanket cave and running into the unknown.

"Nee-chan, what the fuck are you doing?"

Well, there goes that theory, I sighed. "I'm being a snail. Can't you tell?"

"That is such an awesome idea," my younger sister agreed. "Wait, let me get my blanket. I want to be a snail too!"

Pouting under my blanket, I let out a loud sigh. I had been so sure that I had managed to accidentally-on-purpose managed to transport myself into the Naruto world. Damnit. Damnit. This was so unkawaii I couldn't even desu.

"Whatcha doooooooing?" my sister asked in her annoying voice. She had her blanket around her shoulders, which was of course pink and fabulous, and had somehow managed to perch herself on the end of my bed without me noticing. Where she got her sneakiness from, I will never know.

"Watching Naruto in a thunderstorm," I said, pointing to the grey-yellow sky outside. "It didn't work, though. Fanfiction lied to us."

"Damn," she said. "Maybe it's because the lightning didn't hit the house."

"Is the lightning supposed to hit the house?" I asked, tapping my chin.

"Yep," my sister replied. "Jeez, Izu-nee. You're the one who wrote the fanfiction guide! Didn't you ever read that one with Minxie Patterson in?"

"Oh, that one," I remembered. "Maybe a bit of it..."

"And you call yourself an expert..." my sister said, leaning over to the computer and clicking the next episode button. "Kakashi Gaiden! Nice."

"I know, right?" I grinned, settling down on to the back of my seat. "Screw the thunderstorm, we have technology!"

Those turned out to be the last words I would ever say in this world. Just as I pressed the play button, I saw the biggest flash I had ever seen in my life. Electricity crackled through my body so fast that my brain barely registered it. All that I was aware of was the screaming in my ears and the white light shooting sparks in front of my face. It was only now, now that I was feeling my body being completely ripped apart, that I began to wonder whether I should have listened to all those fanfiction writers. Maybe it wasn't a cliché after all. Perhaps it was simply Truth In Television.

I held on, held on desperately to my consciousness as the light grew in intensity. However, like all others before me, I ended up giving in to my body's pleas and blacking out, the smell of freshly laid Tarmac burning in my mind.

I knew where I was going. I knew where I would end up.

It was only then, only as I passed out and submitted to my fate as an OC insert, that I remembered the biggest rule of all about these stories.

Oh yes. I was going to be...

...a Mary-Sue!

Well, shit.


	2. Being Teenager is Suffering

**I am not using honorifics in this fic because fuck honorifics. I also can't be bothered. This is a parody. Nobody cares about honorifics. You just want to see the Akatsuki running around with pants on their head. That is exactly what I am going to give you. Eventually. You might get to see them get turned into cats too. You might even get a beach episode if I'm feeling nice.**

**Anyway, here is another chapter of me being an absolute idiot. Yaaaaaaaay omg arigatō for reading desu you're all so kawaii and sugoiiiiiiii!one!1!**

My breath catching in my throat, I felt the chill of a shallow breeze crossing over my face and waking me from my sleep. Wait. Sleep. No, I hadn't been asleep, had I? That was impossible. Hadn't I just been trying to get myself into the Naruto world or something? Yeah. I had. Hmm. Why did I feel like I'd been sleeping? It's impossible for me to fall asleep in front of the TV or the computer.

Ah. Wait. I'd forgotten the rules again.

Rule number three: the OC insert must always wake up just outside Konoha, preferably next to a reflective pool of water, so that the author can do a really good description of themselves.

Well, fuck that. I can do a description of myself without looking in a puddle. How'd ya like that, Naruto fanfiction writers? I have brown hair and brown eyes, I'm white, 170cm tall...

Ah. No. Wait. I was forgetting ANOTHER rule. Rule number four. Of course.

Rule number four: the OC insert's appearance must change upon entry to the Naruto world. Examples could include a change in hair colour, eye colour, bust size or height. Bust size. Bust size.

Bust size!

Slowly, I levered my arms off of the strangely hard and bumpy ground, still keeping my eyes closed so as to not spoil the illusion too quickly. Please let me have breasts in this universe, I asked. Please let me not be subject to B-Cup bitchiness. Please let me have boobs so epic that I require special lingere...

Quickly, I slapped my hands on my chest and with a heavy sigh, I submitted to my fate. It seemed that I was never going to be in the possession of those epic objects known as breasts. If anything, I was even flatter than I had been in the real world. Frowning, I slapped my hands back down on to the hard and scratchy ground. It seemed that whatever had brought me here had also decided to make me the butt of all of their jokes for the next millennia. Thank you for nothing, you useless universe.

Deciding that it couldn't possibly get any worse, I sat up off of the floor and tentatively opened my eyes. I knew what I expected to see - trees, grass, a handily reflective surface so I can tell you all how sexy and awesome I looked in my stripperific new outfit and Konoha's gate lying like a glimmering crown over the top of the trees. However, even before I opened my eyes, I knew that fanfiction had been lying to me again. This, you see, is because I am reasonably thin. As any thin person will tell you, if you try to sit yourself up from a hard, bumpy floor...well, let's just say that your spine isn't too happy about that. Grass is not hard and bumpy. Tarmac, however - now that shit kills!

"Ow, ow, ow..." I said, rubbing my back and looking down at my fabulously cel-shaded anime feet resting on the slightly loose tarmac below. The floor was dark grey and rife with the kind of sooty dust that you only get in the middle of cities. It seemed odd, out of place in a world like this. I could hear a car alarm going off somewhere to my right and a group of people yelling something in incredibly loud, obnoxious-sounding voices on my left. A car alarm. Were there even cars in Naruto? I didn't remember seeing any. Perhaps it was a burglar alarm?

Tilting my head up and shielding my eyes from the sudden intensity of the lamplight burning above my head, I only found myself growing even more confused. Those run-down, wooden buildings I had been expecting to see in Konoha were right in front of me, but they weren't quite as I remembered them. They seemed taller somehow, older, even more run down than they had been in the anime. Rails ran down the streets with cables overhead, the thin lines of their wires glimmering in the orange light of the lamps. The streets were wider, though you could tell that this was a recent development - the road running to the right of me was smooth, the tarmac near gleaming as opposed to the chipped stuff I was lying on.

"What the...?" I said out loud, picking myself up off of the floor so that I could take a good look at this place. Swirling my head to the left as I tiptoed curiously down the road, I spotted an electronics shop. Frowning, I bent down to take a look.

Pineapple iLoud... I read, poking at a small product on the shelf that looked exactly like an iPod but wasn't one because copyright. It couldn't be. The Naruto world didn't have iPods! They didn't even have more than very basic computers, did they?

As I looked further, however, it became very clear to me that they did have those things - and what's more, they were just as advanced as the things we had back home. It didn't make sense to me at all. Trams. iPods. What was I going to find next, guns? Toilets that sang to you while you did your business? Electric banana buttscratchers?

"Hey, we've got another one!"

Standing bolt upright, I gasped. My first instinct was to stand completely still. My second was to run. For some reason, I listened to the first. The voice sounded familiar, more familiar than it really should have been, given that this seemed to be a completely different version of the world that I had come to know.

"Aw, what? Another one? Man, why does this shit keep happening?"

"Dunno. We should go say hi..."

My hands fanned out at the sides, I turned to face the street opposite me. Two shapes stood in the darkness, both male from what I could discern. It was hard to tell, but I was fairly sure that one of them was Shikamaru - it's not every day, after all, that you come across a person whose shadow makes them look like they have a pineapple stuck on top of their neck. The other was more difficult to recognise - I would have assumed Chōji but the shadow was at least nine thousand times too thin to belong to our favourite junk food munching shinobi. Whoever it was, they were a lot taller than I'd thought they'd be - Shippūden Shikamaru was supposed to be the same height as me but even from this angle, I could tell that he was at least an inch taller.

Wait. Wait a minute. It couldn't be Shikamaru. He'd be a baby right now. He might not even be born yet. Wasn't I supposed to be in Kakashi Gaiden? Maybe it was his father. Yes. That must be it. Though why I'd be spending the important first moments of my Naruto fanfiction life talking to Shikamaru's dad, I didn't know. I was supposed to meet my love interest in this part, and the last time I checked I wasn't called Yoshino. Just what kind of a fanfiction was this supposed to be, anyway? It clearly wasn't following the rules.

"Who are you?" I asked, my voice a little shaky as I turned to face the emerging shadows. A glint of silver on the arm of one of the individuals, then another on the other's forehead. If the words of these ninja hadn't been so calmly delivered, I probably would have been scared by now.

A great sigh erupted from the left-hand ninja. "Nara Shikamaru," he replied, confirming my suspicions.

"Uzumaki Naruto," responded the other, his blonde hair flashing almost orange in the dim light. "What's your name?"

Well, there was obviously only one answer I could give to a question like that. "Izumi Fujiko," I said confidently, tilting my chin in the air in order to appear cool. Obviously, I am not really cool. I'm a fanfiction writer. It pretty much rules out any possibility of being cool. Still, who wouldn't want to make themselves look cool and superior?

"Finally, a name I can understand..." Shikamaru sighed, stepping forward to face me.

"Sounds like an old lady's name, 'ttebayo" Naruto laughed, placing his arms behind his head and sighing. His clothing, as ever, was so bright it was almost blinding. It seemed that he had already moved on to something akin to his black and orange Shippūden outfit, but far better designed - the tracksuit bottoms were still there but they were teamed with a black tank top and black armbands. I hated to admit it, but the outfit actually made him look quite cool. The words Naruto and cool should never exist in the same sentence, especially as I'm an OC insert and therefore should be in love with Sasuke, but here I somehow thought that it was possible.

"Yeah, it's a bit old-fashioned," I admitted, cocking my head to one side. "So, um..."

"You're probably wondering why you're here, am I right?" Shikamaru asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Actually, no," I said cooly. "I was wondering why you're here. This is Konoha, right?"

Shikamaru looked puzzled. Frowning, he folded his arms in front of his chest. "How did you know the name of our city?"

City? What's he talking about? Ah, well. Probably best not to tell the truth, I decided. "I saw a sign with it on," I lied, trying my best to not show any signs of being a giant lying liar pants.

"I see..." Shikamaru said sceptically, narrowing his eyes at me. He didn't seem convinced. Naruto did, however. It wasn't surprising. Naruto is probably stupid whatever strange version of the Naruto world you end up in. I mean, what kind of ninja wears orange? I made a mental note to ask him that later.

"So, how old are you?" Naruto asked me, raising an eyebrow and adopting some kind of strange swagger. "Twelve? Thirteen? You're pretty tall for your age, you know..."

"Twenty-one," I replied, taking a step backwards. "And taken, so don't even think about it."

Naruto suddenly burst out laughing. Shaking his head, he pointed at me and turned to face Shikamaru. "I think we got a mental case here, dattebayo!"

I didn't understand. I was twenty-one. I might be shorter in this universe, but my face should still just about show my age, shouldn't it?

"You're not twenty-one," Shikamaru said calmly in reply, squashing his hand down on the top of Naruto's head and peering closely at my face. "Fourteen at the very most. Also, are you aware that you're wearing a nightdress?"

Gasping, I flung my arms over my non-existent chest. I needed to find a reflective surface and I needed to find it now. Turning around, I suddenly remembered the shop window. Gingerly, I bent down to take a good look at myself. Let me say this first - I wasn't really sure at all what to make of what I saw.

My hair. That was the first thought to enter my head. I didn't know if it was the light, but it looked to me as if it was...well, a very bright blue. It had also grown a fair few inches, new growth stretching all the way from my jawline to the line of my collarbones. I extended my hand to make sure, but even before I touched my soft, new hair I knew it was real. I'd always wanted blue hair, but I'd never have dared to dye it in my home world. It looked awesome, so awesome that I completely forgot about everything else for at least twenty seconds. It was almost a full minute before I noticed anything else, but looking at my reflection in the mirror, I could see that Shikamaru was right. It was like looking into a photograph, a photograph with such sharp colours that it could easily be real - and there I went, forgetting another of the rules of Naruto fanfiction.

Rule number five: the OC insert must be the same age or a year either side of the main characters at the start of the story.

Aw, shit... I grumbled, frowning deeply as I thought of my gladly left behind teenage years. I reckon I'm about fourteen right now. Do I really have to go through all that teenage shit again? Gah, I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon than have to go through that stupid dating game one more time...especially if Japanese rules apply. That whole confessing your love thing is totally not my style. I grew out of that years ago, damnit!

"Are you alright?" Shikamaru asked, his voice edged with concern because of course he would be concerned about me I am a Mary-Sue and everyone loves me hurr durr...oh wait, this fanfiction doesn't appear to be playing by the rules. Oh well. I might still be suetiful all along. We'll have to wait and see.

"Yeah," I said wide-eyed, turning around so as to not look any more suspicious than I already did, what with my bright blue hair and my looking just a bit like Sayaka Miki and everything. "So, um...would you mind telling me what's going on now? I'm kind of standing in my nightie here. It's a bit cold and I don't particularly like standing around in the middle of the night talking to two guys I don't know. It's a bit awkward."

"Oh, that," Naruto said, suddenly remembering what he was supposed to be doing. "Yeah, we should probably take you to see the Hokage, 'ttebayo."

"He won't be happy," Shikamaru groaned.

"True dat. This one ain't even hot!"

How offensive, I thought. Pfftch, like YOU can say anything anyway, Mr Orange Jumpsuits Are Infinitely Sexy!

"Naruto, that's rude," Shikamaru sighed. "Fujiko, you'd better come with us."

I was totally not expecting this part at all. Nope nope. It doesn't happen in every sucked in fic ever. Not at all. "Okay," I said calmly, making sure to give Naruto an extra evil death glare as soon as his back was turned. Not hot. Bitch. I'll show him not hot! At that moment, I could definitely feel the teenage hormones coming back in floods. Man, I hadn't missed them. I hadn't missed them at all.

So we passed some buildings and shit. I can't be bothered to describe them, because it was late at night and they were basically just blurry outlines anyway. The roads were pretty narrow once you got off the main roads and the buildings were stacked high - it would have been a pretty terrifying place to walk alone in at night, especially for someone like me who was used to big, open roads and wide city streets. I felt slightly claustrophobic, as if the walls of the buildings were slowly closing in on me like I was in a bad action movie. It would probably be quite a nice, shady place to sit in on a summer's day but at night it was incredibly intimidating.

"It's just down here," Shikamaru informed me, breaking off from his intense discussion with Naruto on the nutritional value of ramen. Apparently, the fresh stuff was a lot healthier than the cup stuff. What a surprise. Perhaps ramen was like the video games of this universe. Actually, it probably wasn't. They probably had video games too. I could imagine these two being serious gamers, along with Kiba and Chōji. They definitely seemed the type.

After around five minutes of following the two boys down some seriously rapey-looking alleyways, we arrived at a large, red-plaques building that I recognised almost instantly. Yes. This was it. This was definitely the Hokage's office. There was no doubt about it.

Kajino Communications, I read as Shikamaru placed his thumb on a scanning plate on the bars of the gate. Blazing through the sky, it read. What a cheesy slogan. Figures.

"It's upstairs, third floor, keep going down until the end of the corridor and it's the third door on the left," Shikamaru said, pulling out a white plastic pass saying 'Guest'.

I suddenly felt a feeling of dread pass through my body. "Aren't you going to come with me?" I asked them.

Shikamaru shook his head. "Nope. Naruto and I are already late for a LAN party."

"Gonna be kicking some serious ass tonight on RoRu," Naruto grinned, punching the air in a rather over-enthusiastic manner. "I just unlocked Miku, the Dobe Rangers are gonna dominate tonight..."

"Shh..." Shikamaru said shiftily, looking at me with narrowed eyes.

"RoRu?" I asked, trying to place the name of the game. It sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite think of where I had heard it before.

"Yeah, you know, Rigu ofu Reguandosu..." Naruto said, flashing me a massive cheeky grin. "You play?"

"Oh, you mean League of Legends?" I asked, scratching my head. "Nah, but my sister does. Well, she did, or she does. I'm not quite sure right now..."

"You sure have a funny way of pronouncing things..." Naruto said. "I'll see ya around, Blue Ranger."

"O...Kay..." I said, turning around to look up at the absolutely enormous headquarters-slash-factory-slash-warehouse stretching up in front of me. Shikamaru's instructions weren't overly helpful. In fact, they weren't helpful at all! I could see at least three different doorways from where I was standing, one tucked in the side next to some bins, one sliding glass door that I took to be the main entrance and another, slightly less official-looking entrance that read "Deliveries Only". It was anyone's guess as to which entrance Shikamaru could have meant.

Oh wait, no it wasn't. Why would I NOT go in the front entrance with the pretty glass doors and the fountain?

Smiling, I swiped my guest pass in the slot by the door which was for swiping. I mean what else would it be for, peeing through? I then started skipping through the entrance like a sort of troll boss, because let's face it, why not, when I suddenly noticed something incredibly awesome.

Not only was this entrance made entirely in beautiful glass and fountains of glory, oh no. It was in possession of the one thing that in my opinion, was the most important thing of all.

Polished. Marble. Floors.

Now, can any of you tell me what the sole purpose of those marble floors might be? Yes. Yes! You guessed it.

Sliding. Oh yeah. Sliding on them. It's like ice skating without the horrible injuries. Of course, since I had finally managed to find somewhere with sufficient shiny marble floor space specifically built for the purpose of sliding, I had to spend some time trying it out. Nobody was watching. The floor was calling. It was time. Unfortunately, as I mentioned earlier, I had bare feet.

I am so coming back with socks later... I reminded myself as I walked past the glass-paned reception. Like a ghost in my white nightie, I tiptoed up the stairs, unsure of whether I should really be here at this time. The building was quiet, silent but for the hum of the generators and the occasional beep of a detector. As I ascended the stairs and began to walk through the corridors, I thought of Shikamaru's instructions. Third floor.

Oh no. Third floor. Would that be the third floor including or not including the ground? Looking around for a sign on the walls by the stairs, I found myself stopping on the fourth floor up from the ground. Scratching my head, I shrugged my shoulders. It would be obvious which floor it was, wouldn't it? Surely in a place like this at a time like this, there would be very few rooms that were still in use.

Raising my eyebrows, I felt a chill shudder through me. Though this building was beautiful, it was definitely creepy at this hour of the night. As I walked down the corridor, following Shikamaru's instructions, I noticed a light flicker above my head. This was real horror movie stuff now. If someone jumped out of a door with a sheet on their head or bleeding from horrible places, I wouldn't be surprised. Every room I passed was dark in the blurred glass panel. The only noise was that of my footsteps, the tapping of my bare feet on the hollow floor below.

Okay...end of the corridor, third door on the left, I said, holding my hands out in front of me. Left. Left. Which one is left again? Actually, did he say right? Oh, I don't know...I'll try...that way! I decided, heading off to a brightly lit corridor on what was probably my right.

Slowly, I crept up to the third door and took a deep breath. Room 337, it read, Head of Sales. Okay. Let's go.

Leaning on the straight doorknob and pushing down, I bowled into the room, almost falling over as I expected it to be locked. Blinking, I peered into the mists forming in front of my eyes. Was this some kind of jutsu? A supernatural occurrence? No. It couldn't be. There was a solid shape within the darkness, one that I couldn't quite make out. It appeared to be human, but I couldn't be sure in a haze this thick.

Wait a sec. That smell...

"Shut the door!" the voice called. "You're letting my smoke out!"

"Sorry!" I coughed, waving my hand in front of my face to clear the thick cloud of weed smoke. Shutting the door behind me, I placed my hand in front of my face in an attempt to not breathe in any more of the highly illegal substance than I already had done. It was probably too late, but I could at least try not to spend my first few hours in the Naruto world off my face on 'herbal remedies'.

"Who are you?" the voice barked, its tone laced with paranoia. "You're not the police, are you? Please don't take the Blue Terumi! I had to import that shit from Kiri, took me two weeks to get it here..."

"I'm not gonna take your weed!" I choked, narrowing my eyes and waving my hand in front of my face in an attempt to see who on Earth it was trying to hotbox up in here.

"Oh, that's good," the person responded. Whoever it was in there was at least a reasonably old man - I could just about see their grey hair through the thick smoke. "Who are you, then? What are you doing here this late at night? Don't you have something better to do?"

"Not really," I replied, feeling for a chair and sitting myself down. "I'm kind of looking for the Hokage. Would you happen to know where he is?"

"You're looking at him," came the voice, the smoke slowly clearing and spreading to the sides of the room. Blinking, I stared at the old man sitting in the chair in front of me, his eyes vacant and glassy. There was no doubt about it. This was the Third Hokage, Hiruzen Sarutobi. Who would have thought he was a stoner?

"So, what brings you here?" he asked, peering at me through the smoke. "I haven't seen you before. Are you my new secretary?"

"No," I answered, trying to think of how to explain my predicament. "I guess...well, I sort of came through from another world..."

"Oh, you're one of THOSE," the Hokage sighed, leaning forwards and placing a hand on his pipe. "Hmm, you look a little different from most of the others..."

No shit, I thought. If fanfiction is anything to go by, all the others probably had inhumanly long hair and boobs the size of Tsunade's. I can't possibly compete with girls like that!

"I don't get why you people keep appearing here, wanting to sign up as shinobi..." he sighed, shaking his head. "You're all mad. All of you. Let's take a look at you, then."

Slowly, I stood up, holding my hands out to the sides. "Hmm, you look strong. You might last a while out here. You ever been in a fight?"

"Not a serious one," I replied, turning around and back to face him.

"Well, you'll do. So, do you want to be a ninja? We could squeeze you into a team," he sighed, ruffling a few sheets of paper around on his desk.

"Do I have a choice?" I asked, cocking my head to one side.

"Nope," the Hokage told me. "You girls coming through dimensions for no apparent reason whatsoever...it's a massive pain, but you're useful at least. It's either shinobi or you clean the building. Your choice."

"Shinobi, then," I decided, the thought of unblocking toilets unsurprisingly not appealing to me at all. I have a degree, after all - I didn't go through three years of university just to end up cleaning the extremely slideworthy floors of the Kajino Communications building!

"Good," the Hokage smiled. "What's your name, then? I'll get you signed up right away."

"Uh..." I said, my mind feeling decidedly swimmy. "Izumi Fujiko."

"Fujiko?" Sarutobi repeated. "My daughter is called Fujiko. Old-fashioned name, isn't it?"

"I guess," I said. "So, um, is there anywhere I can stay tonight?"

"Yeah, sure," the Hokage said, spreading a few sheets of paper out across the desk. "I'll give Cassie a call."

"Cassie?" I asked, blinking and letting my mind wander.

"Yeah," he repeated. "Cassandra Toriyama. Blonde hair, Tsunade lookalike...pretty girl, kind of snarky..."

Cassandra Toriyama.

The first character from the first Naruto fanfiction my sister and I ever wrote.

How was this even possible?

Oh wait, it's a fanfiction.


	3. High High, I'm so High

**This entire chapter is written in what I like to call 'Green Prose', which is a most terribly difficult style for one to master. To write in this most exalted of prose styles, I must pretend that I have partaken of the sacred green herb and think as if I am one of those common folk we call 'stoners'. For someone like myself, who does not partake of such things, one can imagine that it is an incredibly arduous task to even attempt partaking in this activity. However, for the benefit of my most genial followers, I shall attempt this most magnificent feat with all my might.**

**Wish me luck, my darlings! *flies dramatically out of the window accompanied by rose petals because this is clearly a shōjo***

-

The taxi dropped me off right outside a rather ordinary-looking apartment complex. Well, at least I'm pretty sure it was ordinary. Considering that I was high off my face at the time due to having spent half an hour in a room full of the Third Hokage's 'herbal medication', I'm surprised that I remember anything of the evening's events at all. Then again, it wasn't just any evening. It was THE evening, or rather the first evening that I spent in the confines of Konoha's city walls. Yes, it was a city. It still is. More on that later.

So because I am a normal person and I don't know how to fly, instead of flying up to my own OC's window and saying "Ohai, I was sent here by the Hokage, can you tell that I'm high as fuck?" I walked up the stairs, knocked on at least four wrong doors and eventually managed to find the right one with the assistant of a very helpful and slightly grumpy old lady who made incredibly rude comments about the state of my feet. By now, as you probably guessed, my lovely clean feet were a rather odd shade of brown-black at the bottom. I'd also managed to cut up the heel of one of them somehow, though I didn't find that out until the next morning. I must have looked like a mental patient, wandering around in a nightie with red-rimmed eyes and bare, dirty feet - anyone would think that I was one of Orochimaru's escaped experiments or something!

Smiling gleefully, I leant forward and bashed roughly on the new-looking, wooden door. Everything was a little blurry, but I swore I could hear the voice of a child coming from inside.

"Mio...oh for god's sake...MIO! Mummy needs to answer the door! Sit your ass down for five seconds and stop shouting!"

I turned to ask the old woman if this really was the right place, but by then she was already long gone, shuffling off down the corridor and complaining about the terrible manners of today's youth, because you know, all old people do that. Slowly, I turned back to face the door, the jingling of a set of keys rattling in the lock. Before I knew it, the door was flung open and I was faced with a tall, grey-eyed Tsunade lookalike. Boy, were those eyes piercing. Perhaps I should have described them as nebulous or kind...

"Huh," she sniffed, giving me the quick once-over. "Name?"

"Izu...Izumi..." I half-spoke, half-sang, the weed giving me the little confidence boost I needed to look this intimidating woman straight in the eye. "Izumi Fujiko."

"You're high," she sniffed, tossing her long, ash-blonde hair over her shoulder.

"Probably," I said, nodding my head. "I think I'm supposed to stay here or something."

"Yeah, you are," she said, turning to the side to reveal an oddly immaculate wood-floored hallway. "I'll get you a towel and some of my...hmm, scratch that, my husband's clothes. One of his T-Shirts should do as a dress for you. I'll get you some bandages for your chest, too."

"Thanks," I said politely, weaving a little as I stepped into the apartment.

"Don't mention it..." she sighed, ducking into a well-concealed cupboard on her right and bringing out a towel, plain black T-shirt and two rolls of bandages. Obediently, I followed her to the shower room, cursing my sister for making her character so damn snarky. I thought I'd killed some of that off in the reboot, but apparently the original personality was the one that stuck. Figures. She'd been a total Mary-Sue before...perhaps her personality was now her greatest flaw. She certainly wasn't the most pleasant of women, that was for sure.

Women.

Wait.

As I entered the shower and got my dress completely soaked because I forgot to take it off before I got in, I suddenly realised something. My sister's Cassandra had entered the Naruto world at thirteen. The woman standing here was definitely not thirteen by any stretch of the imagination - in fact, she was more like thirty. With a name like that and a history in my mind, her presence here couldn't be a coincidence - she must have come from our world too, just as she had in the story. Just how long had she been here? When had she left? How many others had there been? There were just too many questions in my mind, too many questions that I didn't want to know the answer to.

"Fifteen years, fifteen years ago, I haven't got a fucking clue."

_What the hell?_ I thought as the sound of her voice entered my mind. Somehow, I had ended up in her sitting room, fully dressed. _Did the author get bored and forget to write in this part or something? I was having a very interesting naked shower and I'm sure that the readers want to know..._

"Nobody wants to see what you look like naked."

"Huh?" I asked, sitting forward and staring at the blonde woman, who was currently holding an squirming, equally blonde child. "Dd you just say something about naked?"

"Yeah," Cassandra replied. "Mio has issues with clothing..."

"I no want pyjama! Want to wear just pants!" the child, who I took to be Mio, whined.

"In America, pants means trousers. Your pyjamas have pants. I win," Cassandra smiled, ruffling her daughter's hair. "Anyway, as I was saying, I've been here for fifteen years. As far as I'm aware, I was the first. There's been a lot of others since me, but most of them don't last long. So, how'd you get here? Wish in a thunderstorm?"

"Actually, I didn't exactly wish..." I explained. "It was more like I decided to test a theory out...and well, here I am, I guess."

"Well, that was really fucking stupid..." Cassandra replied, shaking her head and letting Mio run off to bury herself in toys or pee in the pot plant or whatever it is that two year olds do. "You do know you can't get back once you're here, right?"

"Really?" I asked, wide eyed. "So...I'm stuck here forever?"

"Not exactly," Cassandra sighed, stretching her arms out behind her head. "It's more like...you CAN go back...but you won't be you anymore. Your old life...that's gone now. Even if you went back, it'd be like you'd never been born. Nobody would have a clue who you were."

"Seriously?" I asked, scratching my head. "How does that even work? Wait, wait. I thought I'd just transferred into an alternate universe me. Swapped bodies. You know."

"Don't ask me, I'm just here for superfluous dialogue...well, for now, anyway," Cassandra sighed. "But you should know that anyway, Fujiko. You're writing this goddamn story!"

"How can I be writing the story if I'm sitting right here?" I asked, scratching my head again. "This is why I said alternate universe self body swap. It makes more sense than this ton of shit."

"Try telling that to alternate universe you, who is currently writing this ton of shit," she replied. "Oh, and by the way, tell your sister that there is no such thing as the fucking Hatsu clan. Fucking just taking the name of a Vocaloid and butchering it and adding some shit about singing does not constitute a clan. You should have made that guide two years ago."

"I think this entire conversation is in my head, isn't it?"

"Yep. You fell asleep on my couch. Mio is currently sitting on your butt, singing the wheels on the bus in a very loud voice."

"I was married in my home world. I had a degree!"

"Whoop dee fucking doo."

And with that, I was catapulted back into the real world, only to find none other than Kakashi Hatake staring straight at my sleeping face. Dream Cassandra also turned out to be right. Mio was not only sitting on my butt, she was actually jumping on it. Oh well. So much for being able to sleep here.

"Kakashi, will you tell Mio to stop jumping on our guest?"

"But she's so cute...and the kid's asleep, it doesn't matter!"

"Ugh, just tell your goddamn daughter off for once, will you? Why do I always have to play bad cop?"

"Alright, alright, keep your hair on Cassie..."

With that, I felt the weight of little Mio's feet lift from my now slightly bruised butt. Rolling over and sitting up, I decided I needed to rub my eyes and confirm that I wasn't dreaming. Of all the people that my OC could have married, of all the ninja and civilians that she could have met in the last fifteen years, she somehow managed to end up with Kakashi. I suppose that it made sense in a way, but still - the coincidence was baffling. Then again, being an OC in a Naruto fanfiction always seemed to get you a hot boyfriend.

"Kakashi...sensei?" I said drowsily, still not quite knowing what I was doing.

"Why does everyone from your world seem to know my name?" the white-haired man asked, shaking his head. "And what's with the sensei thing? I only just got students this year."

"Be POLITE, Kakashi!" Cassandra barked, folding her arms and leaning against the doorway.

"Sorry, where are my manners!" he eye-smiled, holding out his hand to shake mine. "Hatake Kakashi."

"Izumi Fujiko," I said, feeling the rough skin on the palms of his hand as I shook it.

"Pretty," Kakashi stated, ruffling Mio's hair playfully and making her giggle in delight. "Cassie, is she high?"

"Completely off it," she replied. "She was talking to herself about fanfiction about five minutes ago. No idea why."

"This is totally a fanfiction..." I said to myself. "I mean, like, you're married to Kakashi, you're my character, I'm in my own story, there was that thunderstorm thing and I'm the same age as the main characters...dude, it's like putting my own otaku wet dreams all over the Internet...I could totally write a lemon in this and disgust the shit out of everyone...wait, am I writing this shit or is this shit writing me?"

"Want me to knock her out?"

"It's probably best."

And then everything went purple. Not black. Purple, with pink stars. Yeah. Who's the boss now? Oh yeah. That's right. I'm the boss. I'm also breaking the fourth wall here. Not that you'd know, because I'm the main character AND the writer. How'd you like that, logic? Yeah. You didn't like that, did you?

And now, a short break while story me stops being on drugs and real me who has never done them laughs at the irony of the situation.

Or something.

-

And suddenly, for no reason at all, it skipped to the next interesting bit. I had cereal for breakfast, in case you guys wanted to know. It was nice cereal too.

"Okay, pay attention," came the voice of the orientation guy on the video I was being shown. He looked familiar, but I couldn't quite remember his name. For some reason, I wanted to call him Turkey Legs, but then I remembered that this isn't the universe which is belong to LittleKuriboh. Therefore, I decided to pay attention because the plot demands that I do. It's a legit reason, don't judge me.

"This universe is somewhat different from the universe you expected to end up in. I hate to say it, but Kishimoto was kind of lying to you all," the man said, his voice sounding strangely Texan. "Basically, his universe was a fanfiction of this one."

Well, that explains why everyone is so overpowered and the main character is basically a giant Mary-Sue... I grinned. That and the questionable motives of the main villain and the whole power of love Sharingan thing...I totally get it now!

"And before you ask, yes, we DO know about the story of Naruto. The Thirty-Fourth Hokage was a huge fanboy...in fact, he was such a fanboy that he actually named his son Naruto..."

If I'd had a bowl of milky cereal...actually, I'm lactose intolerant. If I'd had a glass of water right at that moment, I would definitely have spat it everywhere. Thirty-Fourth Hokage? No. No way. That couldn't be right, could it? I'd already guessed that I was in some kind of AU craptastic fanfiction, but I hadn't banked on the fact that I'd also arrive this far in the future!

"So basically, in our world, ninja are just regular humans, employed by rich people and shit. They go to school, they dress like ordinary people and they sometimes have businesses on the side. In other words, we do not go around blowing shit up for no fucking reason whstsoever, we do not chain giant foxes into the chakra systems of our babies and we do NOT summon giant slugs out of thin air," the man sighed, taking a deep breath. "The slugs are about the size of a dog, not the size of a twenty story building. Stupid Kishimoto, exaggerating the fuck out of everything..."

_These people have a reeeeal problem with Kishi..._ I sighed, flicking my hair to the side because I used to be an emo and it used to go in my eyes and I never got quite out of the habit.

"Now we move on to politics. Clans are still here - the Uchiha run the police force, the Hyuuga have a tea empire and the Senju are...well, nobody really knows what the fuck they do, everyone in Konoha is a Senju..." he explained, shaking his head. "Anyway, just imagine a modern version of Naruto where the Sharingan is white because yes, it's related to the Byakugan, and you'll be fine. Now go report to the Hokage, cause you'll probably need a team and shit like that. Oh, and try not to die on your first day, it's embarrassing."

With that, the video came to a halt. Boy, that man sure was sweary. I didn't remember him being anywhere near that sweary in the anime! Then again, I didn't remember there being thirty-four Hokage in the anime, either. This whole thing was just too weird for words. I couldn't believe that Kishimoto's story, which had spawned so many fanfictions, was actually a fanfiction itself! Was this what they called fanfiception? And what about the Road to Ninja universe? Was that a fanfic within a fanfic within a fanfic? Oh god. My brain was beginning to hurt.

Would there still be jutsu here? It sounded like there would be. Would people still shout out the names of their attacks so that everyone knew they were attacking? Would people win entire battles simply through the power of talk no jutsu? Would Sasuke still have hair that looked like a duck's ass? Dun dun dun, _**THE SUSPENSE!**_

And then I suddenly remembered that I had to see the Hokage, so I left, remembering Rule number 6: the OC must always meet the Hokage and be assigned a team. Luckily, I was in the right building this time, just a hop, skip and a jump away from the Hokage's office. I hoped that I would be assigned a good team. Anything with Hinata in wouldn't be good - I'd never liked her character in the anime and if this was simply a less exaggerated version of Naruto, then I was sure I wouldn't like her here either. That, plus the bugs and dogs...well, let's just say that I would be avoiding joining that team if at all possible!

Full of optimism, I skipped bare-footed across the metal-floored corridor and rapped on the door of the Hokage's office three times. "Come in," he said. Thankfully, I couldn't smell any weed this time and when I opened the door, the room was completely clear of yesterday's pungent smoke.

"Ah, Fujiko!" he smiled, pulling a sheet of paper off the top of his pile and handing it to me. "Ninja registration form. I took the liberty of filling out the team sections for you. You'll be in Team Seven, of course."

"Of course?" I asked, reading off the names on the squad section of the form. Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha, Sakura Haruno, Genin. Kakashi Hatake, Jōnin.

"Yeah. It's the only one where there's someone more useless than you on the squad," he sighed, cleaning his pipe. "Haruno Sakura. Useless, but tenacious. She's outlasted three teammates so far."

"Three...three...?" I asked, my voice edged with_** SUSPICION**_and _**AMAZEMENT.**_

"Three," he confirmed. "One of them got rejected by the Uchiha kid and killed herself, one mysteriously died on the toilet after drinking expired milk and the other one was suffocated by her own enormous breasts. Not pretty. Except the third one."

"Gross," I said, narrowing my eyes so that I could read the small print at the bottom of the contract. "Hey, why is there a clause in here saying that if my teammate dies, I'm not allowed to use it as an excuse to enslave the entire population of the world in a Genjutsu?"

"You'd be surprised..." the old man sighed, shaking his head.

"On no account am I to use the transformation technique to gain unauthorised entry to the other gender's section of the bath house without the prior consent of Jiraiya of the Sannin?"

"Haha. Find that guy and I'll give you a medal."

"On no account am I allowed to murder my entire clan except for one person who will probably go ever so slightly insane as the result of my betrayal?"

"Had to remind someone of THAT one once."

"I am not allowed to...okay, I'm just going to sign..." I sighed, shaking my head at the sheer weirdness of some of the rules. Then again, they DID make some sort of sense. Killing your entire clan except for one person was bound to end in that one person going completely insane and trying to avenge his clan by killing you. It wasn't exactly rocket science.

"Excellent," he said, snatching the form from my hands. "Right, you need to go up to the roof now."

"The roof?"

"The roof," he confirmed. Well, it seemed that anime was right once again - everything DOES happen on the roof in Japan! Or...well, alternate Japan. Konoha. Whatever this was. "You need to meet your teammates."

_Yay! It's time for the mandatory introduction session, followed by the bell test!_ I smiled, finally having some idea of where this story was going and wondering what the author had been doing pissing about with alternate universe stuff for most of this chapter. Rule number 7: the OC must join Team Seven as its fourth member because there are an uneven member of students. Yes. I knew where I was now...and luckily, I'd been practising my introduction since my very first fanfic. I had this shit down!

And so, my incredible cerulean hair that sparkled like the ocean itself bouncing fervently in the fresh breeze, I set out into the cliché.


	4. This Chapter Contains Bell Tests

**I watched Attack on Titan. First battle shonen to give female supports decent combat roles in ages, apart from Fairy Tail. Even if it wasn't quite my thing, thank you AoT. Thank you for Sasha Braun, who is about 9001x better than Mikasa and should be lead female. Potatoes. Fucking potatoes.**

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS A LOAD OF CRAP. Not that you weren't expecting that. Anyway. On with the crap.**

**I wanted to do this chapter ages ago but then I went on hiatus and got ill and stuff so I wasn't in the right mood for being intentionally funny, if you know what I mean.**

**Also, just to let you know, I'm basically just making this up as I go along. If you hadn't guessed that already.**

**POTATOEEEEES!**

-

The roof.

Seriously, the next time you are permitted to go on the roof of a building, do it. I now know why people always hang out on the roof in manga. It's amazing. No joke. It's like standing on the top of Mount Olympus, looking down at the puny mortals below, deciding which one of them you are going to smite today. It is also awesomely windy, which can be a bit of an issue if you're wearing a short skirt, but it's totally worth it.

Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be telling a story. Anyway. The roof.

I walked out onto the roof and unsurprisingly enough, I was greeted by the sight of four familiar faces. Kakashi, Sakura, Naruto and Sasuke were all gathered in a makeshift circle, looking as if there were about a billion places that they would rather be. Since I was their fourth new teammate in about as many months, they were probably rather cheesed off with the whole introduction business. Sasuke, particularly, was looking like he wanted to rip my head off. However, I couldn't take him seriously at all - as it turns out, he really DOES have hair like a duck's ass. Well, who would have known? It's not like every fanfiction character ever calls him duckbutt or anything like _that._

"Ah, Fujiko," Kakashi said, smiling politely because well, he's Kakashi. "Would you like to come and sit down?"

"Hn," grumbled Sasuke, shuffling a little closer to Sakura so that I could squeeze in between him and Naruto. Sakura, unsurprisingly, looked positively ecstatic about this. It seemed that even in this universe, she was a total sauce fan. A total _tomato sauce_ fan.

"Good morning," I said, being all polite and fancy even though I was literally wearing a guy's T-Shirt and a pair of Mio's underpants that had mysteriously stretched in the wash. "It's very nice to meet you all!"

"It's very nice to meet you too," Kakashi smiled. "Alright, let's get on with the introductions. Naruto, we'll start with you."

"Awwww, what! You always start with me!" Naruto complained, shooting me an evil glare.

"Yes, because you keep pissing me off," Kakashi grinned, an eerie sort of calmness crossing those blank eyes of his. I shuddered. It seemed that Cockashi sensey was not someone to be trifled with, even if it was just about the easiest thing ever to make penis jokes about him for the entirety of my time in Konoha. Stop being a dick, Cockashi. Cockashi, don't stop! Cockashi, you're too soft. The possibilities. THE POSSIBILITIES.

"Fine, fine," Naruto sighed, shaking that blonde fuzzy head of his. "Hi, my name's Naruto. I like ramen, pink-haired girls with anger management issues and League of Legends. I don't like stupid new teammates that have boobs bigger than my head..."

"Naruto..." Kakashi growled, giving him what must have been the Kakashi equivalent of the Yamato death stare.

"Jeez, so touchy...fine, I don't like...emos..." he continued, tapping his chin thoughtfully, "...and my goal is to become Hokage so I can play League of Legends on an Internet connection that doesn't suck ass!"

"That's a nice, healthy ambition..." Kakashi sighed. "Speaking of healthy ambitions, Sasuke, it's your turn."

"Hn," Sasuke grunted. I stared at him in confusion for a moment, expecting him to say something else. He looked slightly constipated, as if speaking at all was an effort to him.

"I like tomatoes," he said a few moments later, his eyes darting about shiftily. "I don't like most things. My goal is to...kill a guy."

"How informative!" Kakashi smiled, clapping his hands together. "Right, Sakura, it's your-"

Sakura, as it turned out, did NOT need any encouragement. Grinning, she clapped her hands together, shuffling just that tiny bit closer to Sasuke. Oh yes. I could tell _exactly_ what this shit was going to be about.

"Okay, so...I'm Sakura!" she cheered, her smile saccharine sweet. "I love..." she said, looking quickly at Sasuke. "And I don't like HIM," she grimaced, pointing straight at Naruto. "My goal is to...um..." she said, blushing slightly and shuffling on her seat. Man, this was just too good to be true. It was almost straight out of the anime itself.

"And now for me!" I said, punching my hand straight into the air. Oh my God. I was so ready. I was so ready I couldn't even desu. It was actually time for the most Kawaii desu Naruto introduction in the history of anything ever. The sky was blue, there wasn't a cloud in sight and my amazing yellow skin was toasting lightly in the sun.

"Okay..." I grinned, clapping my hands together. "I'm Fujiko. I have recently learnt that watching episodes of popular Japanese cartoons on the TV during a thunderstorm tends to land you in a big pile of weird. Things I like are...well, it's probably best to start with the things I don't like. Milk. I hate milk. Milk is evil..."

"Well, that's one way she _isn't_ going to die..." I heard Sasuke mutter under his breath.

"Sasuke, that is no way to behave in front of a lady," Kakashi sighed, as if he was used to saying such things.

"Well, excuse me if I haven't seen a hundred million of you freakin' idiots before..." Sasuke spat, looking irritatedly over his shoulder.

"...but I guess other than that, there's not many things I like or dislike. Rude people, maybe..." I continued, "...and my goal is, well...not to end up dead."

"Your goal is not to die?" Naruto asked, leaning forward and eying me suspiciously. "Don't you...you know, want to marry a dude or anything like that? Or find your lost clan?"

"Or get revenge on someone?" Sakura piped up, a look of confusion appearing across her face.

"Nah, not really. Not dying is good enough for now," I replied, "besides, I'm only about thirteen or fourteen or something. I wanna do thirteen year old things, like eat three bowls of ramen in one go and learn dance routines and stuff. Ride a bike. Piss off old ladies. Wear inappropriate amounts of black. You know."

"She's off her head," Sasuke declared, prompting both of his teammates and his teacher to nod their heads in agreement. They were probably right.

"Right. Well, we'd better get out to the field," Kakashi sighed, holding up three bells in his hand. "I thought this time I'd put a little test in for our new recruit before she gets herself killed looking for someone's cat or something."

"Aw, what?" Naruto complained. "Dude, I was meant to go on LoL with Kiba in an hour! The Dobe Rangers need me!"

"You should probably spend less time playing that and more time training if you want to get that fibre optic broadband," Kakashi stated, pulling a very familiar-looking book from a pouch on his hip.

"And you should probably spend less time openly reading porn," Naruto snapped, standing up and forcing his hands into his pockets.

"Touché," said Kakashi. "Right, time for the bell test."

"The bell test?" the others asked, following after their sensei like little ducks. Obviously, because I am superior and fabulous and have psychic powers of prediction, I knew exactly what would follow. That day, I had only one question floating in my mind.

Who was getting tied to the post?

A field. Three bells. Four students. Kakashi. A post. Three lunches. You know how this shit is supposed to go down.

I'll fast forward through the boring explanation and get straight to the good part.

So, Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura went off to hide separately. Kakashi sat there on a log, reading his porn. I decided to follow the lead of my teammates and go hide. Unfortunately, since I am not a ninja and have no fucking clue how to control my chakra or anything else for that matter, I just stood there uselessly for about five minutes, watching Sasuke try to beat up Kakashi and Naruto get caught in the world's most obvious trap. I suppose at the time I must have thought that the most sensible thing to do was just sit and watch. I mean, it wasn't as if I could do anything useful besides lay a few shittily obvious traps with the ninja wire I had been given.

Actually, that wasn't a bad idea.

While Kakashi was distracted kicking the shit out of Swagsuke, I took a step back and tried to find a decent circle-ish formation of trees. Since we were on the edge of a forest, it wasn't really all that hard. After I'd found a reasonable place to park myself until I could figure out what to do next, I decided to set up a trap. It wouldn't help me get the bells and with my sense of direction I'd probably never be able to find the trap once I'd set it but hey, there was no harm in at least trying to do some ninja stuff.

"GAAAH!"

As I pulled the wire from my boring ninja pouch which I was clearly going to trade for a pink one as soon as I could afford it, I heard a familiar scream. Oho. So Kakashi was up to his old tricks with Sakura, I see. He'd probably be burying Sasuke any moment now, too. I needed to hurry up.

Winding the wire around trees as if it was toilet paper on halloween, I smiled to myself. It was probably a total waste of wire, but at least in the dim light of the forest, there was a small possibility that Kakashi might walk into my trap. Thinking back to Shikamaru's rather clever Hidan trap, I decided to add some explosive tags for good measure. Not that I knew how to activate them, of course, but I at least had to try.

It was only then, when I had finished setting my circular trap and found out how to get in and out of it safely, that I remembered I'd completely missed the entire point of the exercise.

Teamwork.

Well, shit.

At this point, I didn't know who would be the best person to go for. Sakura would be passed out somewhere. Without jutsu, I probably wouldn't be able to get Sasuke out of his hole, so he was out for sure. As for Naruto, well...he was Naruto. At this point, as much as I hated to admit it, my best bet was probably Sakura. She might be useless at this stage in the game, but at least she was consistent in her uselessness. Besides, there was no way that she was more useless than I was.

I was just about to leave my trap and go looking for the girl when I heard a very familiar voice coming from somewhere behind me.

"Nice work, Fujiko. That's one heck of a trap."

Kakashi was right behind me.

_Double_ shit.


	5. Getting Tied to Posts for Fun and Profit

**Finally, the fifth chapter. I can't believe that I've got over 100 votes on Wattpad already! You guys must really like laughing at me or something...anyway, it is time to resume the adventures of the interestingly flat-chested, blue-haired version of me! Yay!**

Also, if you were wondering, my strength in this chapter IS representative of my real-life strength and etc. because I am a good girl and I am not going to pretend I can lift stuff I can't lift. That's for later, after I have actually done some ninja training and learnt how to do ninja things because I am a ninja.

Warning: This chapter contains swearing, terrible jokes and kicking a dude in the balls as a viable combat strategy.

-

"H-How did you...?" I stuttered, edging back into my trap and rustling the explosive tags in an oh-so-dodgy way.

"Eh..." Kakashi said, shrugging his shoulders, "...I kind of guessed that you were the type to lay traps."

_Shit_, I thought, doing some kind of weird starfish pose as I prepared for battle with the great Cockashi sensey. _Well, now he knows that I'm actually a giant snakey sneaker. This is not going to be good. This is not going to be good._

"Have you ever been in a fight before?" he asked, still holding his porn in front of his face.

"I beat up a dude when I was eleven for making jokes about me having a crush on Matt from Digimon, does that count?" I asked, my heart pounding with all kinds of scared as he made his way towards me.

"You're going to want to channel those feelings," he stated, putting down his copy of Icha Icha so that he could focus on the fight. "I'll go easy on you, okay?"

Gulping, I took a step back into the dense forest and nodded my head. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I was really beginning to regret my decision now. Why, for the love of all things holy, had I decided that becoming a ninja was a good idea? I really should just have stuck with cleaning the extremely shiny floors of the Konoha building. At least I would have been able to slide across them for fun and stuff.

Back to the moment. Kakashi was approaching me, Kunai in hand and serious look in his eyes. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing at all. To be honest, I barely had time to react before his fist made contact with my stomach, knocking me backwards in a way that I'd never been knocked back before. Thankfully, after seven years of periods and five of lactose intolerance, I was extremely used to stomach pain. Oh yes. In fact, I was the Queen of stomach pain. It was a pretty rubbish place to be Queen of but hey, at least I was Queen of something.

Shaking the pain off as my back scraped against the bark of a nearby tree, I decided that I'd better take this seriously. After all, if I was going to get through the inevitable Zabuza and Haku battle of chapter eight or nine, I was going to have to learn how to be a ninja. It was time to put the many years of wrestling my male friends to the floor to the test. It was time to fight dirty.

Reaching into my pouch, I pulled a Kunai out and inserted it into my left hand. This was more for show than anything but it worked as a distraction well enough that Kakashi slid right past my charge, rattling up against the wall of traps I'd set. All that I needed to do was get him near the trap and get Sakura to do the chakra thing so she could set it off. Perhaps I could bribe her with photoshopped naked pictures of Sasuke or something. Actually, that would probably make her faint for a second time. Shirtless Sasuke would probably be enough.

Running out of the forest and barely missing a Kunai aimed at my left arm, I headed out into the clearing. Things had gone the same way as they usually did, by the looks of it. Sasuke was buried neck deep in sand as always, glaring at the world with the kind of expression that could kill a llama.

"Stop running away, Fujiko," a voice said from somewhere in front of me. Oh no. I'd forgotten about this. Somehow, in the course of me getting distracted by Sasuke's head and deciding to leap over it, giving him a very interesting view of my amazing stripy pants, Kakashi had managed to run around me and appear in front of me. Was that even physically possible? As he charged towards me, Kunai in hand, I tried to work it out. With Kakashi, it could be quite difficult to tell whether it was really him or whether it was a shadow clone. Since he was supposedly going easy on me, I'd have to hope that it was the real thing.

Block, block, duck, block. I couldn't get an attack in edge ways. It was taking all my strength just to fend him off. This was another thing that fanfiction had lied to me on. I was supposed to be stronger than Sasuke at this point, strong enough to wear the name Mary-Sue Uchizumaki with pride. However, as it turned out, this was not quite the way that this story was going to go. As Kakashi relentlessly attacked me, I realised that I really did have no hope unless I managed to get Sasuke out of the ground or find Sakura. For one thing, those Kunai things really hurt. For another, I was actually beginning to lose blood. I needed a plan. I needed a plan. I needed a...

...aha!

As I feinted to the side in an attempt to avoid yet another punch to my upper arms, I decided that I was going to finally let my animal instinct kick in. This is the dude who told you having a crush on a cartoon character was lame, I told myself. This is the dude whose ass you are going to hand to him. This is the dude who really, really needs to be kicked right where it hurts.

Ducking under Kakashi's punches and subsequently getting a rather heavy kick to the shoulder, I decided to put my plan into action.

"Hey, Kakashi," I smirked. "I know what happens at the end of Icha Icha Tactics!"

"You do?" he asked, his attacks slowing for a moment as he turned over the thought in his mind. "But that's not even...how did you...?"

"Fake ID," I smiled, cocking my head to one side as he threw a lame punch at my shoulder. "I'll tell you now! It's..."

Just as he had done at the start of Shippuuden, Kakashi covered his ears. Swinging my leg back as he concentrated on keeping his ears covered, I delivered a kick to his balls the like of which had never been seen in fanfiction before.

"DYNAMIC NUTSHOT!" I yelled, smashing the top of my foot straight into his nether regions. Why nobody had ever thought of using this strategy before, I had no idea. Then again, nobody in fanfiction had hair the colour of a blue raspberry slush puppy and a chest so flat you could iron on it either, so perhaps I was on to something new here.

As Kakashi rolled on the floor, uttering more expletives than Malcolm Tucker on a bad day, I used the opportunity to troll dance away to the right-hand side of the forest. Although my sense of direction was, in fact, a big pile of turds, I somehow knew that Sakura was over there. It was like I could feel her, feel her energy faintly pulsating from behind a tree somewhere. She'd probably be passed out fit now but rest assured, I knew how to wake a girl like her up.

Pausing for a moment behind a tree, I caught a glimpse of pale pink hair. Since there was only one girl with hair the colour of demonic cotton candy in the entire cast of Naruto, I was pretty sure that I'd got my girl. All I had to do now was get over there, wake her up and recruit her before Kakashi recovered from his injuries. Shouldn't be too hard.

"Sakura!" I whispered, darting out from behind the tree and giving the girl a quick shake. "Sakura, wake up!"

The girl didn't move. Even when I shook her shoulders repeatedly and yanked up a piece of her hair so I could yell in her ear, she kept her eyes shut. Gah. This was annoying. I didn't have time to go back and dig Sasuke out of his hole now. As for Naruto, unless I offered to pay for a League of Legends skin that I didn't exactly have the money for, I very much doubted that he would so much as listen to a word I said. Shifting my hands under the girl's body, I began to test her weight.

"Nngh...Sasu...ke..." she moaned, her arm twitching slightly as she slept. Looking at her sleeping face, I let out a loud sigh. If I couldn't wake her up here, I was going to find some alternative way of bringing her round. Slipping my arms underneath her, I decided that I was going to have to give her a fireman's life. Luckily, she wasn't exactly heavy - in fact, she was barely heavier than my younger sisters back home.

Hitching her up so that she was secured in my arms, I began to walk off into the forest. As much as I'd love to be able to run while carrying a whole load of dead weight, I realised that running off probably wasn't the best idea anyway. For one thing, it's a lot easier to control and hide your position while walking. For another, I was much less likely to trip over a tree root and end up crushing Sakura to death.

My heart pumping loudly from fear, I strode slowly through the forest, trying to avoid any patches of dry-looking grass or sticky mud. Kakashi could jump out at me any time, any where. After the serious injury I'd given him, there was no doubt in my mind that he'd be out for revenge. I needed to think of a strategy, some sort of way out of getting into a physical fight with him. If I could keep him at a distance, I might have a chance. However, if I didn't manage to do that, I'd be knocked down faster than a tree in the Amazon. Perhaps I needed to find that trap I set earlier and lure him into it somehow. If only I could use transformations or something like that...

Focus. Focus. I had Sakura. She was asleep right now but there was always the possibility of her helping me. I needed to get serious. Now, how did I used to wake my little brother up? Pull his duvet off? No, that didn't apply to this situation. Piling all the toys in the house onto the bed and giggling incredibly loudly outside the door wouldn't work either. Water might work but when she was in this sort of state, I'd probably have to dump her in a lake to get her to so much as blink.

"Sasuke..." she groaned, wrapping her arms loosely around my neck. Ugh. This wasn't good. As much as I didn't particularly mind being mistaken for a boy by an unconscious person, being mistaken for a boy with hair like a duck's ass was just insulting. Sighing and adjusting the girl in my arms, I shook my head. Sasuke. Fuck that. I'd rather be mistaken for sexy no jutsu Shino in a bikini made of bugs.

Narrowly missing a big tree root with the tip of my foot, I began to cycle through my waking up strategies. Violence wasn't my preferred option but it was always there if I needed it. Loud noises would just be plain stupid, as would anything involving trying to find either of my other teammates. Perhaps I could trick Kakashi into believing she'd done some kind of Genjutsu on me. Then again, I had no idea how Sakura fought, so imitating her would be quite difficult. Think, Fujiko, think. What would Tenten do?

"Sasuke..." she groaned again, rolling over into a really awkward position. Stopping straight in my tracks, I forced myself to put her down before she started nuzzling into my chest or something weird like that. Sasuke this, Sasuke that. Oh man, why did she have to make it so hard for me to like her? I mean, I really wanted to like her. In real life, she'd always been one of my favourite characters. Unfortunately, she wasn't quite so impressive in the flesh. Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke. Even when she dreamt, it was about Sasuke. She probably even thought about him when she was on the toilet.

Suddenly, a brilliant idea popped into my head. If she thought that I was Sasuke, then she might well be having one of _those_ dreams. Oho. No wonder she couldn't wake up. It was then that I realised what I had to do. I'd seen this in movies so many times that it actually annoyed me every time it happened. As a girl well-versed in Disney, I knew the most effective and sure-fire method of waking someone up from a deep, deep sleep.

As I looked at the girl sleeping on the floor, I began to feel my neck heat up in a rather unpleasant manner. Oh man, I really didn't want to do it. I really didn't want to do it. As my thirteen year old self, I'd yet to have my first kiss. Understandably, as someone who tended to prefer men, I didn't want it to be with a girl. However, desperate times called for desperate measures. Inhaling deeply, I slapped my cheeks and got myself in the zone. It was time for Operation Sleeping Beauty to have its day once again.

Closing my eyes, I lingered over her face for a second. This wasn't going to be the greatest moment of my life and was probably going to be one that I'd remember forever for all the wrong reasons. However, I knew that this was the only way of getting her to wake up besides slapping her hard enough to leave bruises. If it didn't work, no harm done. If it did, I'd have a lot of explaining to do. Shit. Well, it was now or never.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I leant down and planted an awkward kiss firmly on the girl's lips.

As I darted away, I saw Sakura's eyes snap open. Red-faced, I sat up and covered my hands with my mouth, completely unsure of what I should say.

"It's not...it's not..." I began, waving my hands in front of my face.

"Y-You're not...Sa-Sasuke..." she stuttered, her face gradually draining of all colour.

"I-I can explain! I was just trying to wake you up and well, I kind of thought I'd do what they do in the movies and stuff but it kind of fucked up...well, actually, it worked because you're awake but um, that was kind of my first kiss and now I feel kind of awkward because it was probably your first kiss too and um..." I rambled, scratching my head as Sakura helplessly drank in the information, nodding her head limply in response to my shoddy explanation. Luckily, she didn't seem too annoyed. To be honest, she was probably too shocked to be annoyed at this point in time. She'd probably get me back for this later but at least for now, she was stunned enough by my strange waking up methods to be compliant.

"So, um, I woke you up because I need your help," I stated, twirling my hands awkwardly around one another. "I kind of don't know any ninjutsu or anything, so I need you to um, team up with me..."

"Is Sasuke alive?" she asked, her eyes suddenly widening as she began to came out of her trance-like state.

"Um, yes," I revealed, a spark of bribery suddenly setting itself off in my brain, "and we can go get him too, if you like."

Sakura didn't even think about it. Hands by her side and eyes unfocused like some kind of confused zombie, she nodded her head. "Sasuke is strong. We should get him."

Following behind me like a limping zombie after my brains, Sakura trudged through the forest. At this point in time, she was sleepy enough to trust my sense of direction. That, as it turned out, was an incredibly bad idea. I had literally no idea at all where I was going. I figured that if we kept moving, we'd eventually end up somewhere useful. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case at all. In fact, we ended up going back on ourselves at least twice before we ended up at a place that either of us recognised.

"Nice trap..." Sakura breathed, taking a step back to admire my handiwork from earlier. Sliding up beside her, I cocked my head aside and began to admire the view. Huh. Actually, it was a really nice trap. I'd managed to get it in a shady enough corner of the forest that the wire was barely visible and there was enough of it at the bottom that you could trip and tumble backwards into it quite easily. Maybe I was better at this ninja thing than I thought.

"I have an idea," I stated, turning to the pinkette because it was too much effort to say pink haired girl and pinkette is clearly in the English dictionary and stuff like that. "I reckon we can get Kakashi into that trap."

"Hmm?" Sakura asked, still half-daydreaming somehow. "When are we getting Sasuke?"

"After we've done this," I said, waving my hand royally because I am the Queen on a balcony and things. "I reckon if you transform into Sasuke and do some clones and shit, we could trick him into getting kicked in the balls again."

"Again?" Sakura enquired, frowning slightly.

"Yeah," I nodded, placing my hands on my hips. "I'll pretend to be asleep, you transform into Sasuke and pretend to wake me up and shit, then you defend me like your ass is on fire if you don't. Spam a few clones, then I'll get behind him and kick him in the nuts. He'll fall in the trap, you can set it off, then we run in together and get the bells. Sound good?"

"Okay," Sakura nodded, considering the idea for a moment. "Wait. Why do I have to transform into Sasuke?"

"Either Sasuke or Naruto will do," I suggested, shrugging my shoulders. "He thinks you're passed out, so it's probably best to be an enemy he's expecting, then turn into something he isn't expecting. Actually, come to think of it, Naruto would probably be better because he'll mistake your clones for real clones."

"Hmm," Sakura considered, turning towards me. "I guess I can deal with being that idiot for a few minutes..."

Sighing, she made a seal in front of her face and transformed into a rather convincing-looking Naruto. Shuffling backwards, I slumped myself into a tree in a well-covered area just left of my trap. I was fully confident in my plan this time. Even though this fanfiction didn't seem to be playing by the rules, it certainly seemed to work in my favour any time anything funny was about to happen. Perhaps it was one of those comedy ones. It hadn't exactly been hilarious so far but I had yet to hit the goldmine of gender gags that was Haku, so it wasn't too much of a surprise that all of the jokes so far had been incredibly lame.

Sure enough, within a minute or so of us setting up the plan, Sakura alerted me to the presence of our sensei. Loosening my limbs as much as I possibly could, I tried to do my most convincing impression of a person who'd fallen asleep under a tree. We'd chosen a code phrase by then, a code phrase as subtle and deadly as one of Naruto's fabled super silent ramen farts. All that I had to do was wait for the word, slide out in the confusion and direct Kakashi into the trap the only way I knew how. It was perfect - too perfect in fact.

"Don't pick on her, dattebayo!" fake Naruto insisted in a worryingly convincing voice. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

I heard the sound of a few clones poof into existence. "Shadow clones AGAIN?" Kakashi sighed, scraping his foot across the floor.

"FOR THE GLORY OF RAMEN!" Sakura said, those words telling me that she'd launched her attack. Counting to two, I opened my eyes and rolled out to the side, escaping Kakashi's attention as he focused on the clones. Smiling, Sakura untransformed just as he put his fist through a clone's face, leaping backwards so that he was forced to chase after her.

Quickly, I rolled out behind Kakashi, my head crouched just a few metres from his butt. Suddenly, I had another idea. Kicking him in the balls had been a good idea but it had nothing on this piece of genius. I was going to give the man a taste of his own medicine. In fact, I was going to give him such a bitter taste of his own medicine that he'd be leaping into my trap before he even noticed I was there. Smiling, I gave the thumbs-up to Sakura.

"Super secret hidden ninjutsu of doom and death!" I barked, causing Kakashi to stop in his tracks. "SUPER BUTT POKE COMBO!"

Forming a dagger with my finger, I watched as he slid out of the way in an attempt to stop me. However, he had no idea what I was going to do next. Leaping to my feet, I swung my leg back and hit him right between the legs in what must have been the most almighty NUTSHOT of all time.

"FINISHER! KICKING YOU IN THE BALLS NO JUTSU!" I yelled, pumping my fist proudly into the air as he leant forwards, tripping over my wire and landing straight into my trap.

Feeling pumped as she set off the explosive tags, Sakura decided to add a cheer of her own. "SECRET PINK ART: CHERRY BLOSSOM EXPLOSION!"

Pulling her behind the nearest tree, we watched as a charred log flew up in the air among the various blasts of my explosion. Damn it. Maybe we shouldn't have called out our attack names. Then again, it was possible that Kakashi was just that good.

As the smoke rose from the forest, warning the others of our location, I let out a small sigh. I couldn't believe that I'd thought I could out-think Kakashi. He was a Jounin, for crying out loud. Of course he'd be able to substitute after being kicked in the balls. They probably had special training for that or something. Perhaps he'd seen sense to put on a pair of steel underpants before he came after me again. Oh well. At least I'd got the real him twice and not a shadow clone, even if he ended up getting away.

"Nice try, girls," he smiled, coughing out from somewhere behind the burnt-down set of stumps I'd managed to create in the middle of the forest. His body was lightly smoking and singed, a burnt-out hole appearing on his right hand side where his sleeve had been. Smiling, I gave myself a triumphant high five. Even if he was on high alert and we'd managed to explode about five trees in the process of trying to get the bells, at least I'd managed to cause some real damage to him.

Sakura rose to her feet, holding her fists in the air and sliding a Kunai from her pocket. I followed suit, standing beside her in my best combat position. I may have copied it from Karate Kid or something like that. Anyway, it was clearly incredibly pro and way better than Sakura's. Ahem.

"Bring it," I resigned, standing up and placing my fists near my face in an attempt to engage him in combat.

"I'll pass," he shrugged, eye-smiling creepily at me. I didn't have to wait long to find out what he was so happy about. A pair of arms appeared from behind my back, clasping themselves tightly around my body and lifting me off the floor. The same thing happened to Sakura. Somehow, we both knew that it wasn't worth fighting him on this one.

"Is this the part where I get tied to a post?" I asked, sighing deeply and bowing my head.

"Fuck no," Kakashi said, snorting with laughter at the very suggestion. "Why the hell would I tie you to a post?"

"I don't know...I just...well, I kind of expected someone to get tied to a post..." I stated, cocking my head to one side as Kakashi laughed, shaking his head.

"Fujiko, you're so strange," he laughed, shaking his head. It was not the first time I'd been told that. "Actually, that's not a bad idea. Hey, how about I tie you both to a post? That might teach the other two something..."

I felt Sakura glaring daggers into my back. Evidently, she'd never experienced the sensation of being taped to a radiator or being taped to the floor so extensively that she took two whole minutes to get out of her tape prison. Then again, it probably wasn't normal to have experienced that sort of thing, so naturally she wouldn't know what it would be like to be tied to a post. Then again, it might be completely different to being taped to things. At this point, I really had no idea what I was doing.

So, I was getting tied to the post during the bell test. Next thing I knew, I'd sleep through the entire Haku and Zabuza fiasco. Perhaps I'd even be the one to find Haku in the woods. Man, this was shaping up to be a really weird fanfiction. Maybe my sister had decided to rewrite it so everyone was wearing neon pink hakama for no reason whatsoever. In fact, that sounded completely plausible.

Oh well, time to get tied to a post.


	6. Sakura is My Bro

**I think the best part of this chapter is at the end. Oh God. I have no idea what I was thinking with this one.**

**Anyway, enjoy!**

So, basically, we got tied to a post.

I don't know if you've ever been tied to a post, so let me tell you this. It is NOT a pleasant experience in any sense of the word. Basically, gravity is pulling you in one direction and the tape is holding you in the other. If you manage to rip your arms free of the duct tape, half of the hair you didn't even know existed on your arms goes with it. If you struggle, you get splinters in your back from the wood. It, in short, is not fun. It's not fun at all.

As I glanced to the pinkette (seriously, this should not even be a word) on my right, I saw her shoot a heavily-daggered glare straight at the side of my face. Gulping, I looked away, a scarlet blush spreading horrendously across my cheeks. To be honest, I felt really sorry for her. I'd taken her first kiss, made her shout out a really stupid attack name and got her tied to a post all in one day. Man, did I owe her one. Shirtless pictures of Sasuke were no longer going to suffice. Oh no. I was going to have to do something significantly more drastic. It might even have to be a date. Ugh. Was I really thinking about setting up SasuSaku? I'd sooner set up SasuNaru than do that.

I began to wriggle my feet on the grass, enjoying the feeling of the dewy blades criss-crossing over my toes. Huh. Shipping. I was going to have to be careful about that one. After all, being the Mary-Sue heroine of the story, I would definitely have all the boys after me and all the girls hating me. Perhaps I could do something different with my story, make the female friends that I'd never had but always wanted in real life. Then again, perhaps not. This was a Naruto fanfiction, after all - it wasn't as if I could disregard ALL of the rules of the genre just because I felt like it! Besides, after today, there was at least a fifty per cent chance that Sakura would never speak to me again. It was probably safer to just hang around with the guys at this point. Girl revenge, as I'd learnt from my many years in all-girls' schools, was never a good thing to be on the wrong end of.

"Right, listen up!" Kakashi barked, his silhouette little more than a shadow against the blinding sun that was quite literally BURNING my EYES. "For the benefit of those who haven't watched the anime in a while and probably haven't delved into the realms of the fanfic that basically repeats the canon storyline until the Chuunin Exams, I am going to explain the purpose of you two being tied to the post."

"Can we just skip it?" Naruto groaned, rolling his eyes as he fiddled with the food in his bento box. "I think the entire audience knows why people get tied to posts during the bell test."

"Ah, but this fanfic is different, dobe," Sasuke reminded him, poking him playfully with the end of his chopsticks. "Consider this. How many fanfictions have you seen where the OC gets tied to the post instead of either Naruto or Sakura?"

"Huh," Naruto mused, stuffing an onigiri into his mouth. "Whatever. Kakashi caught the girls, they didn't do the teamwork, blah de blah. Man, even for a parody, this fanfic is awful."

"I don't think it's too bad," Sasuke stated, taking a bite out of a piece of sliced tomato. "Seriously, it could be a lot worse. I don't have a random twin sister in this one, I'm not in incest with Itachi, I don't have to blush and stutter, I'm not anyone's uke, nobody's referred to me as emo or duckbutt yet...personally, I think this author is being quite kind to me. I like her."

"Please, duckbutt..." Naruto sniggered, prompting a scowl from everyone's favourite emo, "...she'll be shipping you with herself before you even know it!"

"Naruto, you're missing the point again..." Sasuke sighed, shaking his head firmly. "Whatever. I don't have to explain all of this stuff to a dobe like you. I'm going to ENJOY being in this fanfiction. Quite frankly, you should be doing the same. At least in this one she's given you a half-decent hobby and a personality beyond 'annoying brat that gets immediately friendzoned when Sasuke and/or Gaara appears'. You know, it could be a hell of a lot worse."

"Eh..." Naruto conceded, scratching the back of his head, "...wait, I don't get friendzoned in this one? Hey, hang on a sec, am I gonna get with Sakura? Oh man, I've been waiting for so long for a NaruSaku one..."

Sasuke shrugged his shoulders. "It's possible. Hey, we should probably let author-san get on with her story now. I feel as if she might be glaring at one of us."

"Haha!" Naruto laughed, pointing at Sasuke's eyes, which were MYSTERIOUS POOLS OF UCHIHA DARKNESS AND SOLITUDEEEEEEE. "I bet it's you."

"No, dickwad," Sasuke sighed, glancing briefly towards me. "It's you."

He was, of course, completely and totally right. I was glaring at Naruto. However, since that entire conversation had taken place inside my own head, I was also attracting some very strange looks from Kakashi. Had I been mumbling to myself? No, he wasn't looking at me strangely enough for that. Well, that was a relief. Blinking, I turned my attention from that traitor Naruto who is definitely going to be punished by my AU self for this one in the coming chapters and looked towards the infamous David Bowie-sensei.

"Fujiko, why were you glaring at Naruto?" Kakashi queried, looking as if I'd just derailed a thought train in his mind. Oh, shit. Had I missed the entire explanation because I was imagining a conversation between Naruto and Sasuke in my head? From the confusion and delay the thought train's crash had caused, I could see that I probably had.

"I, uh..." I began, searching my memory for something to do with League of Legends, "...I was just thinking that...Caitlyn is awesome and um...I...got something in my eye, I wasn't really glaring..."

"Caitlyn IS awesome!" Naruto exclaimed, clapping his hands together. His eyes were quite literally gleaming with delight at this point. It was funny; I'd never really taken him for a support type. If anything, I would have thought that he would be at the front, tanking it out and taking hits for the team. Then again, the shadow clones...no, no, I was reading too much into this. He probably just thought that Caitlyn was hot or something. Yep. That was probably it.

"Ahem," Kakashi coughed, raising his hand to his mask. "As I was saying, you're not to feed either of the girls, even if they beg you for food. You're also not allowed to untie them."

"You can't untie us," Sakura pointed out. "Technically, we're not even tied to the post. We're actually stuck to it."

"Well, excuse me for wanting to use duct tape instead of fiddling with knots for half an hour," Kakashi sighed. With those words, he sauntered away, porn held firmly in front of his face. It looked as if he was going to sit over by the lake so that we'd be just out of his sight range. However, since I'd seen the anime before, I knew better than to assume that. As soon as one of us made a move, we'd be caught by the real Kakashi, who was probably hiding behind a tree somewhere in the forest behind us. It was so boring, so obvious that I'm surprised that the AU me who was writing this thing managed to stay awake through the entire chapter.

"Got any more smart ideas?" Sakura hissed in my ear, her heel bashing firmly against my shin. I could hear her stomach growling, rumbling in protest as she watched the two boys dig into their lunch. Now, how had this worked in the anime? Ah, yes. Flicking my FABULOUS blue hair out of my eyes, I nodded my head.

"Yes, actually," I whispered, glancing towards the blonde-haired boy who was currently taking a serious chunk out of a big onigiri. "Get Naruto to feed you."

"What?" Sakura grimaced, her voice rising so dramatically that it was little more than a squeak. "Get Naruto to feed me? How the fuck is that gonna help? What makes you think he'd feed me anyway? We're not supposed to be being fed. Didn't you hear what sensei said?"

"Look," I began, gearing myself up for one of my onee-chan style serious business speeches. "The purpose of the exercise, as Kakashi told us, is teamwork. If we're going to pass, we pass as a team. Currently, we've passed but Naruto and Sasuke have failed. If we want to pass, we have to find some way of them passing. This exercise was clearly set up so that..."

Sakura's eyes were beginning to narrow in Naruto's direction. She was clearly thinking seriously about what I was saying. However, at the speed that Naruto was putting away his lunch, we didn't really have time to think about anything. It seemed that I was going to have to take matters into my own hands.

"Oh, screw this!" I growled, clenching my fists and attempting to break free of my tape prison. "I'm getting out of here! I am not ending this story at the goddamn bell test!"

"What the hell is she talking about?" Naruto asked, almost dropping his bento as he watched me strain and stretch against the evil walls of my duct tape prison. Seriously, that stuff is strong. I was actually beginning to get splinters from rubbing my back against the wood. I promise you, that was not supposed to sound that dodgy.

"Me too!" Sakura agreed. A spark, a tiny spark that I had somehow completely managed to overlook, shot off in her eyes. Grinning, she began to kick and struggle against the tape, pools of glowing chakra forming all over her body.

Aha! Chakra. Closing my eyes to the glaring sunlight, I began to concentrate on finding my chakra. I started by focusing on a point in the centre of my body, attempting a half-assed meditation while kicking the post with all my might. It was lucky that I was a woman. Multi-tasking, as much as it drained my mental energy, was my life. I once learnt to cook, talk on the phone and dance all at the same time. The dancing was a bit half-assed but still, if I could do that, there was no reason why I couldn't meditate, kick and talk at the same time.

"Push your chakra into your arms!" I instructed, my face growing hot and sticky with the combination of exertion and overly harsh sunlight. Surprisingly, Sakura decided to follow my instructions, her large forehead wrinkling with the effort and concentration required to break free of the prison.

Suddenly, after about half a minute of struggling, I began to feel a force pulsating slowly through my chest. It was like a heartbeat that I'd never known was there, a completely invisible force that underpinned everything that I was. I could feel it circulating like blood around my body, twisting and turning so violently that I was surprised I'd never noticed it before. It was there, always there, in every breath I took and every skittering beat of my heart. It was like I'd suddenly found clarity within myself, clarity about everything I was and ever would be. In fact, I'd say that it was almost like being reborn.

Well, that was quite a nice description. Now you know what it feels like when you're suddenly aware of your own chakra. As far as I'm aware, nobody's done THAT one before. In your face, fanfiction writers!

Ahem. On with the story.

Aware of Sakura's plight, Naruto leapt to his feet. "I'll get my kunai!" he barked, fiddling in his pouch for a small knife that he could cut us down with.

"Hn," Sasuke agreed, nodding his head and mirroring the actions of his rival. In two short, swift cuts, Sakura and I were freed from our tape prison. Although landing on the wet grass was somewhat unpleasant and we were still covered in several layers of tape, both of us realised that after this, there was no way that we wouldn't pass.

Right on cue, Kakashi materialised in a giant puff of pink, sparkly smoke (no, seriously). "You guys..."

I looked across to Sakura and flashed the girl a quick smile. Nodding her head, she grinned right back at me. It seemed that we had come to an understanding.

"...FAIL!"

Horrified looks on our faces, we watched as Kakashi started to crack up laughing. "Nah," he chuckled, shaking his head. "I'm joking. You pass."

Leaping to our feet, Sakura and I let out the single loudest squeal that I'd ever heard in my life. Arms still covered in tape, we hugged one another and began to leap around crazily, cheering and whooping like a couple of kids who'd had way too much sherbert. We didn't care about anything else at this point. We'd got past the infamous bell test. We were going to get to chase after a crazy cat, meet a dude who really looks like a lady, meet the other Genin, play League of Legends...okay, maybe I wasn't so excited about the last one but all the same, I was definitely looking forward to my future as a ninja.

"Fujiko, Sakura," Kakashi smiled, politely waiting for us to stop our crazy celebrations before he continued. "It seems that your teammates have a lot to learn from you two."

Beaming so brightly that we almost outshone the sun (because you can obviously do that), Sakura and I turned to our instructor. I was so glad that I'd chosen Sakura as my bro on this test. Although her infatuation with Sasuke was going to be incredibly irritating after the fiftieth time I'd heard about his perfect abs and cool hair, I was prepared to move past this. After all, it looked like we were actually going to be friends.

Friends. I, as the main OC, was going to be friends with Sakura. I wasn't going to call her a pathetic fangirl. I wasn't going to harp on about her cotton candy bitch face. I wasn't going to make jokes about her forehead or bitch about how stupid she was. We were totally going to have sleepovers and plait each other's hair and gossip about boys and shit because as everyone knows that is what happens at every sleepover ever. At this point, I was beginning to wonder how many unofficial rules of Naruto fanfiction I was going to end up violating. Probably all of them.

"I'm going to leave now. I have some...stuff to do," Kakashi said, his eyes sliding shiftily to the side. "I'll see you all tomorrow, 9am sharp."

"Come on, Fujiko!" Sakura smiled, grabbing my arm with a surprising amount of force. "Let's go for tea. I know a really great place..."

"Can I come too?" Naruto asked, his face suddenly childlike under Sakura's firm gaze.

"Fuck no," Sakura swore, tossing her hair dramatically over her shoulder. "Sasuke, you can come too...if you like!"

"Not interested," Sasuke grunted, finally deciding to say something other than 'hn'.

"Oh..." Sakura trailed, giving my arm a quick squeeze, "...well, then, I guess..."

"We're all going," I growled, locking my eyes with Sasuke's. "Naruto, you're sitting with me. Sasuke..." I sighed, deciding to let nature take its course, "...you're sitting with Sakura."

"Hell no," Sasuke snorted, shaking his head.

"But I want to sit with Sakura!" Naruto protested, frowning heavily as I took his arm.

"Tough shit," I stated, getting his arm in a grip that even a crab couldn't hope to match. "You both owe us. I'm crashing at sensei's house right now. If you want to get any C-Ranks at all in the near future, you're gonna do what I say. Got that?"

Gulping, both of the boys scuttled into position either side of us. Was I really trying to set up SasuSaku? It certainly seemed as if I was. However, right now, it seemed like the best option that any of us had. Besides, if Sasuke got out of line with her, I wouldn't hesitate to do something about it. Maybe I could steal all of his underwear and burn it. That sounded like fun.

"So..." Naruto drawled, tossing his sunny head to one side. "You like ramen?"

"Who doesn't?" I answered, keeping my eyes on the sky as we walked back into the grey-tinged streets of Konoha City. I was beginning to wonder what would come next on my journey to Mary-Sue greatness. Surely it'd have to be Zabuza and Haku soon. I didn't know how to fight yet but...wait. I didn't know how to fight yet. Shit. That wasn't good. If I was going to be facing Zabuza and Haku in the next chapter, I'd need to know how to fight. Weren't there magical fanfiction fairies for this sort of thing normally? I mean, shouldn't I have discovered something about me being from a mysterious clan by now? Oh man, this fanfiction really wasn't playing by the rules at all. At this point in time, it looked as if I might actually have to train before we did any missions!

Sighing, I shook my head. Oh man. Six months of horrendous boot-camp level training, here we come...

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